The title of this blog where I post is, "Through Heaven's Eyes". It is in essence a composition of testimony, belief and views from a deeper and sometimes alternate perspective than what the world at large typically sees on certain subjects, actions, and opinions. I haven't written in a long while now. I do not know if it is because of loss of interest, lack of motivation or something that is buried much deeper than the surface.
I admit to not having been looking at my life through Heaven's Eyes much lately, rather more through the eyes of man; I look at what I do for work, what I wear, where I live, who my friends are... etc. Yes, while these things make up a portion of who I am and what I am worth, it is not me in completion, I know I have been and am so much more than that. But it is not how I've been living.
It is time for a re-awakening. Time to open my eyes again to see who I really am; to re-discover my passions, re-define who I am, who I'm meant to be and what I am truly capable of.
As if to reach out in desperate urgency for the faith-filled individual I once was, I have returned to a study of the Preach My Gospel missionary handbook in the hopes that by so doing I can find my return to grace and holiness, the level of which has deminished greatly these past 4 years. I recall recently directing myself to a conclusion of earnestly studying this manual because the highest level of spirituality, righteousness, hope and peace in my life were indeed when I was devoted to full-time service as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My study henceforth aspires to be likened to my post-mission service and growth in the Lord's kingdom.
At the end of Chapter 1- My Purpose, in Preach My Gospel, there are a series of "Ideas for Study and Application" there is an activity suggested where I share what my hopes and desires were for my (in this case) post-mission service, and to what extent thus far I have met my expectations. I can recall these hopes and desires falling along the lines of: maintaining a high spirituality level, retaining righteousness, and being motivated to constantly succeed and improve.
Now, I feel as though I'm drowning... as if I'm ever being pulled by my feet, which previously seemed to have been grounded so firmly upon a solid foundation, now being pulled down into the deepest low of the darkest part of a never ending sea; I'm being pulled down where there is no air. Where is the life boat? I feel like my hands are flailing about for something to keep at least my head above water but I don't have even the strength to grip any sort of life line. My senses are fading, my abilities are numb, I have no feeling.
I know I'm trying to do what I can, perhaps not as fervently as I once did, but I now wonder how long I can spiritually hold my breath before I pass out and water fills my lungs while waiting for my rescue.
In my present spiritual state, I ponder upon words from the scriptures, stories of the saving power of the Savior, Jesus Christ. He forgave the sinful woman taken in adultury; offering her a redeeming second chance at eternal salvation by not casting His judgements upon her when she was brought before him by leaders of the church. He cleansed the leper whose only hope of being whole again and accepted in society was the power Christ the Lord possessed. Jesus blessed the doubting father of an ill child, restored sight to the blind, and revived the faith of the faithless.
I can only grasp the hope that I too can be lifted up and brought again to walk the pathway I was meant to follow; that I may regain my footing and strength to climb back up the mountain I slipped so far down from. I need to get back to solidity and sureness to overcome my doubts, fears, angers, hurts and insecurities. But the only one who can save me is Him.