I admit to not having been looking at my life through Heaven's Eyes much lately, rather more through the eyes of man; I look at what I do for work, what I wear, where I live, who my friends are... etc. Yes, while these things make up a portion of who I am and what I am worth, it is not me in completion, I know I have been and am so much more than that. But it is not how I've been living.
It is time for a re-awakening. Time to open my eyes again to see who I really am; to re-discover my passions, re-define who I am, who I'm meant to be and what I am truly capable of.
As if to reach out in desperate urgency for the faith-filled individual I once was, I have returned to a study of the Preach My Gospel missionary handbook in the hopes that by so doing I can find my return to grace and holiness, the level of which has deminished greatly these past 4 years. I recall recently directing myself to a conclusion of earnestly studying this manual because the highest level of spirituality, righteousness, hope and peace in my life were indeed when I was devoted to full-time service as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My study henceforth aspires to be likened to my post-mission service and growth in the Lord's kingdom.
At the end of Chapter 1- My Purpose, in Preach My Gospel, there are a series of "Ideas for Study and Application" there is an activity suggested where I share what my hopes and desires were for my (in this case) post-mission service, and to what extent thus far I have met my expectations. I can recall these hopes and desires falling along the lines of: maintaining a high spirituality level, retaining righteousness, and being motivated to constantly succeed and improve.
Now, I feel as though I'm drowning... as if I'm ever being pulled by my feet, which previously seemed to have been grounded so firmly upon a solid foundation, now being pulled down into the deepest low of the darkest part of a never ending sea; I'm being pulled down where there is no air. Where is the life boat? I feel like my hands are flailing about for something to keep at least my head above water but I don't have even the strength to grip any sort of life line. My senses are fading, my abilities are numb, I have no feeling.
I know I'm trying to do what I can, perhaps not as fervently as I once did, but I now wonder how long I can spiritually hold my breath before I pass out and water fills my lungs while waiting for my rescue.
In my present spiritual state, I ponder upon words from the scriptures, stories of the saving power of the Savior, Jesus Christ. He forgave the sinful woman taken in adultury; offering her a redeeming second chance at eternal salvation by not casting His judgements upon her when she was brought before him by leaders of the church. He cleansed the leper whose only hope of being whole again and accepted in society was the power Christ the Lord possessed. Jesus blessed the doubting father of an ill child, restored sight to the blind, and revived the faith of the faithless.
I can only grasp the hope that I too can be lifted up and brought again to walk the pathway I was meant to follow; that I may regain my footing and strength to climb back up the mountain I slipped so far down from. I need to get back to solidity and sureness to overcome my doubts, fears, angers, hurts and insecurities. But the only one who can save me is Him.
SO I typed something up yesterday but I don't know if it published. Sorry if this comes out twice. First, I am happy that you are posting. As I mentioned in the previous post last year on Isaiah, I love your posts. I totally understand, though, losing motivation to post when you feel that no one is reading. I have 2 blogs and I have been known to let them slip because I feel that no one is reading. However, then I realized that I wasn't staying accountable to whatever I was reading or doing, so I decided to keep posting just so I would have a "record" or an accountability.
ReplyDeleteAs far as this post, I have spent the majority of my almost 20 years in the Church feeling like I am drowning. Spirituality is something that I have always struggled with. I know that you do not have to serve a mission to gain spirituality and to know the scriptures but I think that serving a mission helps. Since I did not serve, I have often felt that I am at a disadvantage in that way. I have often felt that, as a convert, I was never properly taught how to study the scriptures or to gain in spirituality. Because of all this, a task that should be as simple as sitting down and reading the scriptures is a huge challenge. I have found that just by doing it though helps me not feel like I am drowning. Hopefully, in your recommitment and re-awakening, you can stay strong and find the strength that you need. Good luck on your journey.
Thank you for your encouragement and support Jenn. It took me being a bit more "no-nonsense" with myself before I was able to swim up and grab the hand that has brought me back to the air I need to breathe. Making my way back to the safety of the shore and the narrow path that leads back to the mountain's peak is within my sights now. My hope rests in the redeeming atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. He is always willing to reach down to us and give us help along the way, often through the love and motivation of many of his children here on earth. I hope that you also find ways to at least keep your head above water.
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