Gratitude is Seeing the Miracle in Every Moment.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

How to Win Friends and Influence People: Part 2- Six Ways to Make People Like You "Rememebr Their Name"

What's in a name? Is mine of value to me? What do I feel when another person says my name? In like manner of thought, what is someone else's name in value to them? And how do they feel when I say their name?

Those questions being posed, perhaps we can glean impeccable insight into just how important it is to learn and remember the names of those we associate with, even if that association lasts but a minute. For it is in such attention to detail of an individual that one might obtain success, higher social stations and respect in this short life. Could it be that this simple act of calling another by his or her name is a step towards a higher path and power of influence? Dale Carnegie would easily argue that it is. His ample stories of great leaders and historical influences suggests just such tact.

Consider the greatest leader recognized by religions the world over, even the great God, whatever name you give him, and how He knows each of the earth's inhabitants by name. Elder Neal A. Maxwell once stated: "I testify to you that God has known you individually... for a long, long time (see D&C 93:23). He has loved you for a long, long time. He not only knows the names of all the stars (see Psalm 147:4; Isaiah 40:26); He knows your names and all your heartaches and your joys!"

What impact does being called by our individual names actually place on us? Just that- a justification that in a world filled with millions upon millions and that for a moment, we stand out as an individual, not just a number. To be known on a personal level; recognized by a label that has been individualized, not simply categorized by a vast generalization by genus or species. I.E., I am not just ANY Homo sapien, I am one who's ancestral history indicated my physical structure, my mannerisms, my social norms, my religion, and partially determined what I would be called by to differentiate me from the world.

Broken down in like manner, we come to the understated conclusion of the importance of names to an individual and that the importance of remembering and using names is not just the prerogative of kings and corporate executives. It works for all of us. 

Mr. Carnegie emphasizes that we should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing... and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others. 

Principle 3: "Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language."   

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

How to Win Friends and Influence People: Part 2- Six Ways to Make People Like You "Smile"

We are taught from before the time we begin to understand language, to smile. And we come to learn also, that it is is simple way to make a good first impression. Good thing my parents spent thousands of green to make these pearly whites of mine worth the impression to give! Praise God for orthodontists! The expression one wears one one's face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back.

"People who smile tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There's far more information in a smile than a frown. That's why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment." -Prof. James V. McConnell, University of Michigan

A smile is an indicative act of pleasure, joy, fun, excitement, and lack of judgement. With that basic observation, its no wonder that people rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it. You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.

You don't like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. 

I really like that... "act as if you were already happy..." It reminds me, as so many things do, of the time I spent in full time missionary service for my church. Particularly, it reminds me of a handful of conversations then and now after over the years of since my return home with my mission president, James Beck. He often asks, "Sister Marstella, are you happy?" If I don't have an answer right away, I start to question my life and its current motives. With this theology of me acting as if I am already happy, I could always answer yes in the future, because acting is in this case, a course to becoming.

"Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there..." -William James, Psychologist and Philosopher

Its too difficult to paraphrase what has already been written and taught so well by Mr. Carnegie. The truth of his words about how one creates and maintains happiness must be shared:

Everybody in the world is seeking happiness--and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. 
It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.

"There is nothing either good or bad. But thinking makes it so." -William Shakesphere

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." -Abraham Lincoln

"We become like that on which our hearts are fixed... We are gods in chrysalis." -Elbert Hubbard, Essayist and Publisher

SMILE- Spiritually Minded is Life Eternal (2 Nephi 9:39)

Friday, January 24, 2014

How to Win Friends and Influence People: Part 2- Six Ways to Make People Like You "Become Genuinely Interested in Other People"

 Dale Carnegie begins his teachings of this segment by encouraging us to treat others as man's best friend does. He includes the thought that you can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. 

What a concept! If only every person the world over was driven by this logic! You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. 

I also like how direct Mr. Carnegie states, "If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way."

"It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring." -Alfred Adler, Viennese Psychologist

As I read this chapter or enlightened knowledge, so pointedly instructing and factual, I can't help but relate it to the teachings of the world's greatest teacher, who said: "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so for them." (King James Bible- Matthew 7:12) In other words, if you want to be treated with respect, admiration and acknowledgement for your good works, achievements and fruits of your labor, do so first to those you interact with and the response will be the same in your favor.

If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other people--things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness... if we want to make friends, let's greet people with animation and enthusiasm. I'm brought to a consideration of how it felt to be greeted by my friends in the Polynesian culture. It may not be animated or enthusiastic in the way a some might perceive. But in a very real sense, that animation of joy and the enthusiasm of greeting those they care for is genuine. A typical greeting is in the form of a hug and/or a kiss on the cheek. They bring you into their "ohana" each time. What a novel thought, that all cultures and people should try to emulate. One might ponder upon how welcome and how appreciated others would feel if such an action were mainstream. Which leads me to Mr. Carnegie's next thought:

A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street--both parties benefit.

Monday, January 13, 2014

How to Win Friends and Influence People- Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want

"He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way"

It is my personal belief that the key to making relationships of any kind work in the most pleasant of manner, is to put thoughts of self aside and think first and always primarily about what you can do to make the other person happy. Do what pleases them, serve them first. I'm not saying to cater to their every whim, because that would be giving in to an abusive and destructive relationship on varying levels. What I am saying, is a less selfish attitude, where personal thoughts and desires are simply to serve instead of receive would prove a productive form of interpersonal relations. An in the case of winning oneself friend and influencing people in a way that benefits you, it can be necessary to "bait the hook to suit the fish". -Lloyd George, Great Britain Prime Minister. In other words, talk about what THEY want and show them how to get it. And don't preach.

Further on in this segment of reading, we are encouraged to be a people pleaser on our own terms.

"Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire... and the best piece of advise which can be given to would-be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way." -Harry A. Overstreet, Influencing Human Behavior

 Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before your speak, pause and ask yourself: "How can I make this person want to do it?" That question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly, with futile chatter about our desires.

"If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as your own." -Henry Ford

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. Let's consider this statement for a moment and apply it to a couple of life situations, I know I'm not alone in experiencing. As a young single person in my late twenty-somethings, I have two major thoughts on my mind at a near constant rate; 1- How can I best alter my relationship status and 2- How do I climb the corporate ladder at a successful and speedy rate? One question revolves around that of personal satisfaction and the other of a professional, however both involve interaction with other people. What if I were to apply this very principle of serving others to both scenarios? And not just occasionally…. I mean quite literally, regularly.

Would it be safe to assume that by being the woman who considers first what her romantic partners are desiring, that in turn I would solidify a monogamous relationship at some point? Is the logic sound in thinking that by showcasing how my abilities, talents, preferences, opinions and beliefs best benefit a potential life partner and their long term goals, dreams and aspirations that I too would gain what I seek?

I think I've reached, what was often termed in my younger college years, an "ah-ha!" moment. And I feel a change in the wind.

"People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them." -Owen D. Young

Boom! The people; others, come first. I coin that idea with a phrase I learned very early in my missionary service some years ago: "Love the people more".


In a nutshell, I've gleaned some main points of information over the past three blog postings that should be re-iterated as the "Fundamental Techniques in Handling People":

Principle 1- Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

Principle 2- Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Principle 3- Arouse in the other person an eager want.