So, we start this snooze of a review by discussing why its important to remember, we can't win an argument... not if we want to win people over to our way of thinking and ultimately gain friendship and influence! A foreign concept to those who might argue at the professional level as lawyers and public defenders.
Dale Carnegie writes of a resolute conclusion about how there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument--and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would rattlesnakes and earthquakes.
"If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will." -Benjamin Franklin
"Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love." -Buddha
"No man who is resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention. Still less can he afford to take the consequences, including the vitiation of his temper and the loss of self-control. Yield larger things to which you show no more than equal rights; and yield lesser ones though clearly your own. Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him in contesting for the right. Even killing the dog would not cure the bite." -Abraham Lincoln
Some suggestions on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
- Welcome the disagreement.
- Distrust your first instinctive impression.
- Control your temper.
- Listen first.
- Look for areas of agreement.
- Be honest.
- Promise to think over your opponents' ideas and study them carefully.
- Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest.
- Postpone action to tie both sides time to think through the problem.
Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
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According to Mr. Carnegie, there is a sure way of making enemies and he knows how you can avoid it.
You can tell people they are wrong by a look o an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words--and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgement, pride and self-respect.
If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know about it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.
"Men must be taught as if you taught them not And things unknown proposed as things forgot."
"You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself." -Galileo
"Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so." -Lord Chesterfield
"One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing." -Socrates
Showing respect for all and treating them diplomatically and courteously.
"I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person. The way in which I have worded this statement may seem strange to you. Is it necessary to permit oneself to understand another? I think it is. Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgement, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is to almost immediately feel 'that's right,' or 'that's stupid,' 'that's abnormal,' 'that's unreasonable,' 'that's incorrect,' 'that's not nice.' Very rarely do we permit ourselves to UNDERSTAND precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person."
"Be diplomatic. It will help you gain your point." -King Akhitoi, Egypt
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
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Another captivating idea occurs in the words of Mr. Carnegie, when he simply states, "If you're wrong, admit it."
When we are right, let's try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong--and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves--let's admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
"By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected." -Old Proverb
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
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Another captivating idea occurs in the words of Mr. Carnegie, when he simply states, "If you're wrong, admit it."
When we are right, let's try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong--and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves--let's admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
"By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected." -Old Proverb
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
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"If you come at me with your fists doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, 'Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are,' we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together." -Woodrow Wilson
"If a man's heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can't win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don't want to change their minds. They can't be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly." -Abraham Lincoln
"It is an old and true maxim that 'a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.' So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason." -Abraham Lincoln
That second notion from President Lincoln is an intriguing one. I think it applies to so many basic aspects of relationships. Even those looking for the romantic side of lasting love and marriage. Say your cause is a happy and lasting marriage with someone.... you must first convince your spouse that you are their sincerest and dearest friend. The question is then posed: what defines friendship? How would/does one express that side of love to another?
There have to be practically a million or so quotes and ideas on the very subject of friendship and even love. We should each be striving to be what these words express:
"A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities." -William Arthur Ward
"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate, and do it." -Edward W. Howe
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.
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Dale Carnegie's advise on winning people over to your way of thinking is indeed genuine and a successful tactic to consider and implement...
In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing--and keep on emphasizing--the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
*Get the Person to say Yes X 2.
Here is a brief history lesson on the value of Socrates to the world at large:
Socrates, "the gadfly of Athens," was one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever known. He did something that only a handful of men in all history have been able to do: he sharply changed the whole course of human thought; and now, twenty-four centuries after his death, he is honored as one of the wisest persuaders who ever influenced this wrangling world.
His method? Did he tell people they were wrong? Oh, no, not Socrates. He is far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now called the "Socratic Method", was based upon getting a "yes, yes" response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
Principle 5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
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Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.
If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don't. It is dangerous. They won't pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
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In order to gain cooperation, it could prove to be a wise investment to pose suggestions and then let the other person think out the conclusion.
A lot of successful businesses are now utilizing the tactic of asking colleagues and subordinates exactly what they expect of their leaders and peers. It wouldn't seem too far fetched to handle romantic relationships in the same way. I can only imagine how much stronger marriage relations would be if both partners took the time to discuss what the other spouse's expectations for them and also what the other can expect to produce; write them down and apply them daily.
No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.
*Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury." -Lao-tse
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
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Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don't think so. Don't condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason--and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.
By becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.
"Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas." -Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg, Getting Through to People
If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing--an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person's point of view, and see things from that person's angle as well as your own--if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping stones of your career.
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
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Three fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
"Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults... show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. 'Self-pity' for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice." -Dr. Arthur I. Gates, Educational Psychology
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
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Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.
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Merely stating a truth isn't enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic.
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.
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"The way to get things done, is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel." -Charles Schwab
"All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory." -Ancient Grecian Motto
"I have never found that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself" -Harvey S. Firestone
Every successful person loves the game. It tends to be a chance for self-expression and to prove their worth. They aim to win and to excel. It is a desire for a feeling of importance.
Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.
----------
In a Nutshell... To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking:
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're Wrong."
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Throw down a challenge.
"If a man's heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can't win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don't want to change their minds. They can't be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly." -Abraham Lincoln
"It is an old and true maxim that 'a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.' So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason." -Abraham Lincoln
That second notion from President Lincoln is an intriguing one. I think it applies to so many basic aspects of relationships. Even those looking for the romantic side of lasting love and marriage. Say your cause is a happy and lasting marriage with someone.... you must first convince your spouse that you are their sincerest and dearest friend. The question is then posed: what defines friendship? How would/does one express that side of love to another?
There have to be practically a million or so quotes and ideas on the very subject of friendship and even love. We should each be striving to be what these words express:
"A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities." -William Arthur Ward
"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate, and do it." -Edward W. Howe
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.
----------
Dale Carnegie's advise on winning people over to your way of thinking is indeed genuine and a successful tactic to consider and implement...
In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing--and keep on emphasizing--the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
*Get the Person to say Yes X 2.
Here is a brief history lesson on the value of Socrates to the world at large:
Socrates, "the gadfly of Athens," was one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever known. He did something that only a handful of men in all history have been able to do: he sharply changed the whole course of human thought; and now, twenty-four centuries after his death, he is honored as one of the wisest persuaders who ever influenced this wrangling world.
His method? Did he tell people they were wrong? Oh, no, not Socrates. He is far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now called the "Socratic Method", was based upon getting a "yes, yes" response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
Principle 5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
----------
Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.
If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don't. It is dangerous. They won't pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
----------
In order to gain cooperation, it could prove to be a wise investment to pose suggestions and then let the other person think out the conclusion.
A lot of successful businesses are now utilizing the tactic of asking colleagues and subordinates exactly what they expect of their leaders and peers. It wouldn't seem too far fetched to handle romantic relationships in the same way. I can only imagine how much stronger marriage relations would be if both partners took the time to discuss what the other spouse's expectations for them and also what the other can expect to produce; write them down and apply them daily.
No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.
*Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury." -Lao-tse
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
----------
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason--and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.
By becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.
"Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas." -Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg, Getting Through to People
If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing--an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person's point of view, and see things from that person's angle as well as your own--if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping stones of your career.
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
----------
Three fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
"Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults... show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. 'Self-pity' for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice." -Dr. Arthur I. Gates, Educational Psychology
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
----------
Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.
----------
Merely stating a truth isn't enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic.
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.
----------
"The way to get things done, is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel." -Charles Schwab
"All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory." -Ancient Grecian Motto
"I have never found that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself" -Harvey S. Firestone
Every successful person loves the game. It tends to be a chance for self-expression and to prove their worth. They aim to win and to excel. It is a desire for a feeling of importance.
Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.
----------
In a Nutshell... To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking:
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're Wrong."
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Throw down a challenge.
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