Seeking Purpose

Oft times my mind will be caught up in serious reflection on my life, the choices I've made, the talents I have and the path I'm on. The worst feeling I can experience in this life, is that I have not lived enough, that I lack in so much. (second to this is the feeling of not being accepted, but that's a topic for a different day).

No matter how inspired I feel I can be in a moment of deciding worthy goals and plans to better myself, I lack accomplishment or completion and its becoming a sick plague I wish to be rid of. I'm consistently bombarded by roadblocks which seek to thwart any kind of inspired activity or positive thinking. I've made no dent, no impression, no change to the world. Its as though I've been attempting to push a boulder up a mountain, but it hasn't moved in even the slightest degree.

I once saw a graphic on pinterest regarding one's purpose:

If my talents ultimately lead to my purpose. Why do I not have a main talent to point me and lead me on my way? This appears to be a fairly simple and logical equation. Why am I not able to compute the sum? How am I ever to be great; to leave my mark on the world if I never seem to establish fruits of my labors?

Words sung by renowned musician, Beyonce, seem to hit the underlying feelings I have right now...
 
I wanna leave my footprint
on the sands of time.
Know there was something that
I left behind.
When I leave this world,
I'll leave no regrets.
Leave something to remember
so they wont forget

I was here.

I lived, I loved.
I was here.
I did, I've done
everything that I wanted
and it was more than I 
thought it would be. 
I will leave my mark
so everyone will know
I was here.

I wanna say that I 
lived each day until I died,
and know that I 
meant something in somebody's life.
The hearts I have touched
will be the proof that I leave;
that I made a difference
and this world will see

I was here.

I lived, I loved.
I was here.
I did, I've done
everything that I wanted 
and it was more than I 
thought it would be.
I will leave my mark
so everyone will know
I was here.

I lived, I loved.
I was here.
I did, I've done
everything that I wanted 
and it was more than I 
thought it would be.
I will leave my mark
so everyone will know
I was here.



I just want them to know
that I gave my all;
did my best;
brought someone some happiness;
left this world a little better because
I was here.

I was here.
I lived, I loved.
I was here.
I did, I've done
everything that I wanted
and it was more than I 
thought it would be.
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here.

I lived, I loved.
I was here.
I did, I've done

I was here.

*********
 
I work a job that is so far from my desired profession and my former expensive college education 

Lets be honest, I've tried making goals with deadlines and detailed plans, and I've tried just the opposite. I've attempted to be a ambitious and sought an education. I've sacrificed time, energy and money to serve and benefit others... in fact, I've made this my life's determination; to always be seeking the betterment of someone else's life of situation. I've never asked for anything in return. I don't want to appear selfish or self centered, but is there going to be a paying forward to myself? Am I actually going to witness the fruits I've labored so diligently to cultivate?

I know this blog is supposed to be dedicated to seeing life through Heaven's Eyes, and not my temporal ones, but people aren't reading anyway, so why should I care? I'm just tired.... tired of trying and trying and not seeming to get anywhere. I've been tired for a few years now... am I making any difference?



Still seeking purpose...