Gratitude is Seeing the Miracle in Every Moment.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

How To Win Friends and Influence People- Don't Criticize or Complain

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

I think its key to remember right from the start, that they… and I do mean all of us mortal people, are just that; mortal. We fall into the category of imperfect beings; of what the Holy Scriptures refer to as, "the natural man". Such categorization referring to in real terms the actual animal, weak-minded, unmannered, habitual persons who as children of a great God, stumble in meeting our true purpose and destiny to become in reality: god-like. Hence the reason why we are having this life of experience in the first place right?! Of course. Part of becoming "god-like" is to LEARN! And learning to handle situations and other people is a key component to achieving the successful end result.

Dale Carnegie proceeds to instruct his first idea/technique in handling people:

1. Don't Criticize, Condemn or Complain 

If You Want to Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over the Beehive

We've learned through life's experiences in dealing with others that the "natural man" (which is an enemy to God… and therefore an enemy to our becoming like Him) often finds reason to rationalize and explain away actions which may be morally incorrect, harmful, and in some cases perhaps even sinful. Most of them attempt by a form of reasoning, fallacious or logical, to justify their anti-social acts even to themselves, consequently stoutly maintaining that they should never have been in the wrong at all. In fact, it would seem that those of this world who may be perhaps MORE influenced by the "natural man", than by the spirit within him that gives his natural body life and personality, often don't blame themselves for anything! (No matter how wrong they may be.)

I'm not writing this as an act of scolding such imperfections… even in my own person. John Wanamaker is quoted in this book at having said, "I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence". 

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on a defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. Again, this is much like an animal reaction to the situation, but remember, having not yet obtained godhood nor perfection in any form this is the natural reaction to negative reinforcement. With this thought in constant consideration, we can recall countless scientific studies and personal experiences where an animal (person or not), who when rewarded for good behavior learns much more rapidly and retains what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Therefore, by criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.

In conjunction with criticism, standing as an unwanted wall that keeps us from communicating effectively with others, we are often crossed with the innate behaviors of insulting our fellow men, and ridiculing them for our own purposes and agendas. Seems to be a bit more like casting judgement where judgement has yet to have been served. "Judge not, that yet be not judged." I dunno about you, but I'm only wanting myself and God to be my judge and witness of my actual doings and who I am… not any other imperfect being. So I'll make it my resolve to not behave opposite of my desire for myself toward any other.

Dale Carnegie continued to write on the matter:

Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others-- yes, and a lot less dangerous. 

If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just lest us indulge in a little stinging criticism-- no matter how certain we are that it is justified.

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. 

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